An Insider’s Guide to Sleeping with Another Woman for the First Time

23 Jul An Insider’s Guide to Sleeping with Another Woman for the First Time

What “counts” as sex with another woman? This is the most common question I get when people find out I sleep with other people with vaginas. A bit invasive and rude, sure-but I get it. We live in a society that generalizes sex as a “P-in-V” situation.

Not only is it 100-percent possible to have satisfying sex with another woman or vulva owner, but there’s also way more than one way to have sex with another woman. “It’s up to the individuals who are participating in the sexual act to determine whether it’s sex or not. For some, it might be oral sex, for others it might be mutual masturbation,” explains clinical sexologist Megan Stubbs, Ed.D. “There aren’t any boxes that need to be checked for something to be sex. But there are so many boxes to choose from!”

And let it be known that, while “lesbian sex” clearly connotates sex between two women or people with vaginas, you don’t have to identify as a lesbian to enjoy female-on-female sex. Maybe you’re bisexual, maybe you’re pansexual, or maybe you’re just following a vibe that feels right. (FYI: A 2016 study showed that more women were having sex with women than ever before.)

With that in mind, this guide touches on some of the most common sex acts between two people with vaginas. Scroll down to learn what you need to know about having first-time lesbian sex and how to do it safely.

Fi(n)ger It Out

Just like all things in sex, everyone is different. Some people will want hard and fast flicks directly on the clitoris, while others prefer slowly having their outer lips or G-spot rubbed. That’s why, whether this your very first encounter with another vulva and vagina or your 2000th, you should go into it with a beginner’s mentality. Ask questions! Check in! Pay attention to how your partner responds to your touch and adjust your pressure and technique accordingly.

If (and only if) your partner indicates that they want to be penetrated, don’t be afraid to get your hands in there. And by hands, I mean one finger. Start slow. Slide one (maybe two) fingers along her slit until they’re lubricated, then slide them inside slowly, then faster. Switch between the two rhythms and ask her which she prefers. “Don’t let your ego get bruised if your partner says they don’t like your rhythm,” says Stubbs. “Just try something else.” If you’re a visual learner, you might ask them to show you how they like to masturbate. (Related: Masturbation Tips for a Mind-Blowing Solo Sesh)

Maybe you’ve heard-or know from experience-that the G-spot can be incredibly pleasurable for some women. Resident sexpert Logan Levkoff Ph.D. previously told Shape that the G-Spot is about two inches in on the front wall of the vagina; you’ll feel an area where the skin transitions from smooth to bumpy or spongy. If you feel this in your partner, go ahead and make a “come-hither” gesture. See how your partner responds.

PSA: Trim your nails. Everyone’s preferences for their nails are different, but if you’re going to be digitally penetrating a person with a vagina, then smooth, non-craggy, and short nails are preferred. The vulva and vagina are sensitive and nothing ruins the mood quite like a scratch. Ouch.

Take It South

For many women, the most daunting part of sleeping with another woman is oral sex. Good news: “It’s really not that complicated,” says Jess Melendez, seznamovací stránka pro gay lidi a sex educator for O.school. “It’s more intuitive than you might think, and communicating helps.”